First time in a long time I gave myself time and space to actually feel.
I thought that this weekend I could pack everything I wanted to into two days. I thought that I could please everyone. I thought that I was super human and I could do all these things that were actually impossible to get done in 24 hours.
Because of my unrealistic expectations I am scared that I may lose a great friendship. I tried to be too selfish.
This morning I went to a banquet an hour and a half away from where I live. I had planned on the banquet only taking an hour, giving me plenty of time to make the hour and a half drive to a bridal shower party in another part of the state. In my head it all worked out. I would be in every place that I needed to be at the right time and everyone would be happy and so would I. But that’s not what happened.
The banquet ran almost an hour and a half longer than I thought it would. Setting me back an hour and a half to get to the bridal shower. Therefore causing me to miss the bridal shower. I contacted the sister of the bride and discovered that it would be over by the time I would arrive so I headed for home.
In my heart I have never felt so unworthy. It’s selfish as a friend that I do at this moment right now. There’s nothing but excuses I can say to this friend. The only thing I can do is try to explain that I did not prioritize our friendship or my time to spend with her over my own wants.
As I’m driving an hour and a half drive back to my house, I don’t think I’ve cried so hard. In that moment I finally gave myself time and space to feel these emotions that I haven’t felt in a really long time. I’ve previously tried to safeguard myself from feeling any emotion possible in the last few years. And it hasn’t been good for my heart.
So today, I chose to just feel the emotions. To let it out. To call my mom and cry some more. I had to just hope that this friend will extend grace, forgiveness and hopefully want to continue with our friendship.
I’m writing and sharing this today because it’s so important to give ourselves time and space to feel these emotions. I tried to cope in many other ways so that I didn’t have to feel. In a way, it almost feels like a relief, being able to finally cry.
I honestly don’t know how, but I hope that somehow my struggle to be a true friend can help you. Maybe it’ll inspire you to prioritize your time to be there for someone else. Or maybe this post will remind you that it’s necessary to make time and space to accept your emotions.
