Yesterday I was on my way home, feeling defeated by the day, which often means a silent radio and a lot of thinking. The more I thought, I began to cry and call out to God. Why do you have me here? What am I supposed to be learning? How are you trying to use me?
It was a Tuesday night, a night I normally try to attend a small group from church. I was in a crummy mood and was trying to talk myself out of going. Somehow, I still ended up there. The topic for the evening spoke right to what I needed to hear, sending me home in a better mood than I came.
This morning is when it hit me, though. I’ve been teasing God. One minute I say “Okay God, I’m listening.” The next I’m saying “I want it my way.”
Do you feel like you and God have been chasing each other – almost like playing a big game of hide and seek? Or hot and cold. It’s like once you get close enough to be hot and hear God, you’ve turned the wrong direction and gotten cold, feeling
alone again.
I was driving my car when the hosts of the radio station I listen to started talking about the song Reckless Love by Cory Asbury. They shared a touching story and talked about the meaning behind the song. All of my emotions were in tune to what they were saying.
Through that particular stretch of road, I almost always loose the station. If I don’t loose it completely, it has a lot of static or another station competes, nearly taking it over. It’s like the two stations are in a constant war for which one will be heard.
I start to sing along like I often do since this song is one of my favorites. The song begins to get fuzzy, but I continue to sing. Barely making out the words, the news station that competes for the air time takes over for a few seconds. Then back to the song. It’s a constant back and forth. Tug of war. Battle over who will be recognized.
My favorite lines are
And oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine
And I couldn’t earn it, and I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
And that’s exactly what I felt this morning. The song and God were fighting to be heard through all the noise of the world. It’s a constant battle of which voice to listen to. Of pushing the wrong things away and pulling the right things tighter.
These last few weeks have been a constant battle of voices other than God’s. It’s when God’s voice is finally clear enough that it can be heard, it goes to static again. I let the world around me overtake him, his voice fading like a gentle hum. As soon as I think I’m lost God will push his way back in through the static, in through the noise, and he’ll be there. Just like the song, he has reckless love for each of us.
Yesterday I was crying to God, asking him why he has me where I am. And today I’m crying tears of amazement that he’s listening. I may not be hearing a clear answer, but his presence is known.
Are you changing the station as soon as God’s voice becomes unclear? Or are you listening through the static and noise, trying to make out any word possible?
