I cried today.
Not because I was sad.
I am worried that God isn’t going to provide for me like he says he will. Like he has every other time.
This past college year I spent 12+ hours on the go. I went from rowing practice to rehab to work to class then back to practice and somehow completed homework assignments amongst it all. I wouldn’t trade my time on the rowing team for the world (blog post for another time), but it did create some financial pains in my life. I was only able to spend about 7 hours a week at work instead of the previous 16+ hours I had been in years prior. I am telling all of this to you not to brag about how “hard working” I was, but to set the stage for my situation.
I recently graduated college, more broke than I was at the age of 5. You know, when the hardest decision in life was whether to climb up one branch higher on the big tree in the backyard or not. Ugh weren’t those the days.
Graduating college created many changes in my life including the necessity to pay back student loans, secure a source of income and find something to fill my day. Not to mention somehow find the funds to be a bridesmaid in a wedding, attend 3 more weddings (2 of which are in different states), 3 bridal showers and a bachelorette party.
Yep all my friends decided to get married the summer I am dead broke. And honestly, I should get the worst bridesmaid award. The bride had to pay for my dress (to that bride if you’re reading this…I am truly sorry!).
Ever since I went through Financial Peace University by Dave Ramsey in the winter of 2016, I have DESPISED owing someone money, especially a friend or family member. Due to my situation, I have this constant worry about my ability to buy food, put gas in the car and pay my rent on time. This is the first time I am experiencing the intense feeling of barely surviving.
I am trying to lean on the Lord, knowing that in Matthew 6: 26 we are reminded to Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
This is our gentle reminder that if we trust in the Lord he will provide all we need. It may not be those $100 pair of jeans or that fancy new car, but it will be enough. I think a large part is learning how to be content with what we already have. Something I need to do a much better job at.
And in verse 27 this question is posed: Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
I am realizing why it is so hard to dream and hope when a person is devoting all of their energy into merely surviving.
So, instead of worrying myself to tears, I will chose to be hopeful.
Let’s be hopeful.
